Realifecitygirl and the City.

It’s after 3 am and here I am up. Restless. Listening to the Purple Rain LP. Per usesssge.

I’m in an odd mood. I’m so used to feeling “in over my head” that this constant feeling of uncertainty isn’t whats odd. {Sidebar: how fucked up is it that it’s normal for me to feel like im drowning?} I don’t know what the heck it is.

Hmph.

In updated news about my life I’m 22 almost 23 (in Dec, fucking yikes) and I still haven’t found my way back in college but at least I’m living my life  in what I now consider home, Washington D.C.. I nanny two kiddos to make montee and I’ll say I’m pretty darn good. *Chis Brown voice* Babiesss love me, im a bomb naaannn-y. I’m only working part time so I’ve been (half,honestly) looking for a new job. I’ve been spending my free time trying to figure out what I really LOVE in life. I want to pursue so many different things than what I had planned on in the past. I guess life has a way of switching shit up.

Boy news. Still single. But for how long….*smiles* I kindasortalikesomeoneandhelikesme )))

Of COURSE he doesn’t live here. of course. for fucks sake can I find a man on my level in the District of Columbia?

 

Yessssss this extended version of Dove’s Cry is going innnnnnnn. Love love love LOVE spotify

Ok, for serious I need to go to sleep. Baby E in the AM the Baby M in the afternoon.

I’m baaaaaaack,

RLCG

Pocket thoughts

Soo it was 77 degrees a couple days ago and I wore some old cargo shorts to work and inside my pocket I found this scribbled on a piece of paper.Here it is unedited:

It’s crazy how you’re always there for me.

Showing me a love no one has ever explored.

Like Lewis and Clark, did….uncharted waters.

No floatation device

cause you drown in me

Loss of breath when you kiss me.

Flatline.

Eyes flutter as you resurrect me.

When I look at you it’s not your face I see

Although beautiful, there’s something deeper there

it shines brighter than any sun can

blinding me but too intense for my gaze to leave,

Actually this shit isnt even love.

It’s too much for a simple four-letter word

It’s a necessity.

Call it air.

Without it there is no second chance…

*It kind of just ended there….and it’s so weird because I haven’t felt any love or connection in the past 8 months so I have no idea what inspired it and although I it’s unfinished just can finnish it….maybe when I fall in love again…*

xoxo,

RLCG

fantasy

red lipstick smeared on the filter of my clove

ray bans on, eyelashes full of atomic black mascara

sunshine shining on my left arm

right arm gripping the wheel

harmonizing with Anita Baker

coily dark hair

blowing in the summer breeze

im a dreamer

a planner who lives in a fucked up world

a girl who loves to love

yet has to hate

hurt

but thats life right?

at a stop light I leave

reality

you appear in the passengers seat

smile lighting up the car

lighting up my world

I look at you in awe

cause IM the reason you smile

you love ME

M-E,

no improvements

no additions or subtractions

in love with my flaws

but then the light turns green

and you disappear

yet,

I still smile at the thought of you

at the thought of us

if I pull it together…make it sooner than later

Wow.

That’s literally all I can say over and over again.

My life has changed drastically since my last post.And I’m actually still in shock/awe…..

So my friend Jessica sends me a text after reading my blog and says we should go on a random road trip the next day. Since they cut my hours @ work I had plenty of free time so of course I said yes. We end up deciding on St. Louis which is about 4 hour drive from Olathe. When she calls me so we can iron out the details she says “Oh yeah, you’re moving in with me”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?! A way out of living with my crazy uncle and having to share a bed with my cousin? A place where I can take SHOWERS?!?! But me being the tye of person who hates to ask for help I told her I would have to think about it when mentally I was already packing my suitcases/trash bags lol.  She comes the next day in the morning and it was pourrrrrrrrrring down raining….and right then is when I decided it was time for me to accept this blessing and opportunity to get out of what was making me most miserable. Sooo…we packed up my stuff in 20 minutes and 25 minutes later were were on the road to STL! So it rained and rained as we were driving down I-70….we were riding through a storm…and I felt like it was a huge representation of my life…it was dark and cloudy outside but we HAD to go through the storm because it was the only way we could get to our destination.And thats when I realized I HAD to go though what I had been going through because it was the only way I was going to get to where I needed to be.

So the trip was PERFECT. I saw my friend from HS Jasmine who gave me the book The Secret(which has changed my life btw), a parking spot just APPEARED out of no where when there was no where to park, I had an amazing dinner, we went up in the arch, saw the counting crows for free(the day we picked just HAPPENED to be Fair St. Louis meaning food and vendors every where and thousands of people), and saw an amazing fireworks.

I hadn’t had relaxing fun in so long…

So I come back from STL to Jessica’s house where I have my own room. I also have a place for my food in separate cabinets and a separate refrigerator. Stuff that once sounded simple and basic to me…stuff that I had taken for granted were finally treasured amenities to me. I am so grateful to be there.

ANNNNNNNNNNNND I would have be perfectly satisfied with just that blessing but I got yet another one…

I applied for a permanent position @ Lowe’s….and got it. Mind you I turned in my request to be permanent AFTER they had already selected everyone for the permanent positions and they had started the seasonal people go. So now that I am permanent I can transfer to one of the Lowe’s that is closest to DC which BOTH happen to me metro/bus accessible. So the only thing I had to worry about what where I was going to live right?

WRONG!

The Lord blessed me yet AGAIN. I got a text from my friend Jahna who is from Kansas City and goes to Howard and she asked me if I had found housing in DC yet and after telling her I hadn’t she asked me if I wanted to be roommate cause it would be easier to find housing if we looked together. The next day my email box is flooooooded with AFFORDABLE places to live thanks to Jahna. Like all we have to do is pick. ANNNND if it just so happeneds we don’t find a place we like we can still live @ the house she is currently at.

In a little over a WEEK I got a guaranteed job and a guaranteed place to live in DC when I had been stressing over that since JANUARY of this year.

I’m SO happy. So Thankful.So Blessed.

So to anyone who is going through a situation where it seems like your back in pressed again the wall and there is no way out….remember that no matter how dark it seems GOD hasn’t left. And you can make it…dont give up.

Oh yeah, I just want to give a VERY SPECIAL thank you to anyone who has read my blog and left an encouraging comment. Those REALLY touch me.Seriously. Thank you.

RLCG

….hometown glory?

I really hate coming on here typing this negative ass shit. But hey….this is my life right now…

My living situation has quickly gone from uncomfortable to unbearable. The hot water has been off for almost 3 weeks now.I don’t have my own space. My uncle is bi polar and is so quick to yell and cuss out his wife and kids and then make THEM apologize to him for no reason. My life is damn near a daze. I chief nearly everyday.To feel away from everything. I hurt this constant piercing pain. My biggest fear has always been feeling trapped. I am living my very own nightmare. It’s so frightening because I hate waking up in the morning knowing that this is my life. It’s come down to the point where I cant even talk to my friends about anything im going through because they cant imagine this pain and sometimes they are just insensitive. I know sometimes they don’t know what to say but “Everything Happens for a Reason” is not cutting it anymore.I feel like SCREAMING sometimes.

I hurt so bad.

The to top it off my Mother flies here for a funeral and is here for 2 days and doesn’t see me.She literally saw EVERYONE but me. WTH. I would NEVER fly to North Carolina and see everyone but her. As much as we don’t see eye to eye I still love my mother but that was FUCKED up.

I don’t even feel like me anymore. Im sick of feeling sad. And to top everything else off Lowe’s CUT my hours. IN HALF. Meaning I am making no money. And since did nothing BUT work I don’t have shit to do. And if you’re read the previous posts you know that my Mom took my car,my only source of transportation when she moved to NC so I am genuinely TRAPPED.

I dont know what to do anymore. Oh yeah and remember that program in DC I applied for? I got waitlisted.

GREAT.

NOTHING is going good for me. Literally NOTHING. If it wasn’t for Michela I seriously don’t know how I’d be coping right now. She picks me up  and lets me shower @ her house or she’ll pick me up from work so I don’t have to walk in the 100 degree weather that its been here lately.

I keep on telling myself that I can make it.

But I’ve almost stopped believing that.

This here is on some truthful shit…

“this here is something personal…

I highly doubt this feeling is reversible.”

There is a lot if shit going on right now. First things first lets give a little living situation update. I’m sharing a room with my 15 year old cousin(love her…shes super dramatic and hilarious) in my Uncle and Aunts duplex. By sharing I mean I sleep in the bed and live out of my suitcases which have to put in the basement cause the room is so small there is no room. My deaf aunt and uncle are the two most financially irresponsible people I have ever come in contact with in my LIFE. I hadn’t even lived here for 5 days before they write me a note asking for money talm bout “they don’t have any money for groceries and the kids wont eat” WTFFFFFFFFFFF?! What would you being doing if I wasn’t here? Mind you they know my cousins are my heart so I’m not going to let them starve. UGH. So anyway these idiots buy all this name brand food with the money I give them for groceries…..ya’ll went from having NO food to having Fruit Loops?? No boo boo… look towards the bottom of the cereal aisle and get the “Fruity Rings” that are in the bag! shiiiit…stop acting like you are too good to make your money…I mean MY money stretch.  Oh and next thing I knew my food started becoming missing. I would buy my own groceries down to my own SALT cause I didn’t want to ask them for anything and I would come home from work and chips that I had just bought would be opened and eaten, frozen pizzas would be gone, juice would be drank…..and then they would be like “oohh we gone buy you some more”

W

T

F????

Ya’ll just asked me for money so how exactly are you going to buy me some more of whatever I had? I can’t…I just cant. Also what really sucks is that I feel mad uncomfortable. Like I dont have my own space. Like if im hungry and they’re in the kitchen I wont go up there because I dont want to draw any attention to my food. And that’s real. Also there is no hot water in this bitch. Meaning cold showers on the daily…but on a postive note my hair like the cold rinses it gets lol

Luckily I work almost 40 hours a week(can I have a small Praise Break to thank God for this job in the midst of a bad economy? THAAAANNK YA!) and Micheala and I have become inseparable. If  i’m not at work we’re together….I love the chick! She took me to get my first tattoo It was scary but I did it. It’s a tiny  open star on my left wrist. It’s sooo cute and I’ve wanted it forever. It’s main meaning is to remind me that even in the darkest of times I still can shine

Also I applied for a job in DC and I find out if I get it on June 15th which is in 5 days! Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers everyone.

xoxo,

RLCG

Gawddammit.

I feel like Harry Potter.

Didn’t they used to lock home boy up in a closet underneath the stairs or some shit like that?

Well anyway I am coming to you live from my teenaged cousins bed with all the shit to my name in a black and white polka dotted suitcase, a Kenneth Cole suitcase(yess im classy lmao) and two trash bags. I’m once again a hobo.

No but seriously.

Along with the move my Mom thought it would be a good idea to take my car and to sell my bedroom set. Leaving me with…..

notagatdamnthang.

Its like some days I can handle it and others its just way to overwhelming. Like I honestly feel like I dont have any family. I hate negative shit. Like this is not me. I dont even know right now….sorry this is so random but this is how i’m feeling.

abkadsdsdfjkadshabdhsbfhadfaskfa.

Showering and then sleep.

xoxo,

RLCG

heroes eventually die…horoscopes often lie…

Antwan Andre Patton and Andre Benjamin we’re right….nothing is fo sho. nothing is for certain.

Be forewarned…im two glasses of wine in.

Lately my life has been this…..(insert negative word here). Like I honestly can’t think of a word to describe whats going on. Im just going to start saying stuff in random order. First I literally went an entire day without any type of exchange with my Mother yesterday. Like we would be in the same room and NOTHING. That shit hurts. Like she just didn’t even look at me. Times like this I just feel like this huge waste of space around her.Another thing. Work sucks. Im very grateful I have a job but damn…I work with trashy ass people(not all just some, you ho who you are lol) and trashy ass racist ass customers.And lets not forget the disgusting old married white men that hit on me all day long……ANNOYING.I am mad cool with one girl though…her name is Michela(pronounced Micheal-A). Looks wise we’re totally opposite. I’m a 5’2 brown girl with wild natural hair and chinky eyes. She’s 5 ft nothing ivory skinned bad ass with a crazy platinum blond streak in her black hair with gauged ears and tats galore. We look great together lol But yeah we both love to occasionally chief, eat vegetarian food, and laugh. Yay my first Olathe friend since the i’ve been back!

So I’m sitting here on my bed in rumpled up covers next to a open suitcase filled with unfolded clothes and natural hair products. I’m packing again.

Well actually I never really unpacked.

My Mom is moving to North Carolina on Saturday and that kinda leaves me alone….again. She’ renting out house out thankfully to my aunt and uncle and they agreed that I can rent out a room in the basement(uggggh) but they don’t move in til sometime in June so its the return of (duh duh duhhhhhhh) CRASHIN ON COUCHES. :/ Didn’t I leave DC for that? Smh oh well.

It’s an hour til I have to be @ work so im going to pop my One-A-Day Energy and Biotin(works WONDERS for thickening and growing hair) vitamins and call a day. I’m going to update more often I swear this time!

xoxo,

RLCG

…is stuck in houstalantaKANSAS

Dammit.

The 3 and the shift keys are missing from my keyboard. smh.

It’s day 5.

Day 5 of me living back in Olathe,Kansas. Yes one of my biggest nightmares has come to pass. It’s so weird. Like the first 3 nights I cried myself to sleep wanting to be anywhere but here but day by day it’s getting bearable. It just hurts to see your dreams and hopes taken from you….especially when you work your tail off to keep them going. But Im thinking of this as a temporary detour…I’ll be back in DC.(I’m coming for  the first week in May so clear your schedule!)

Anyway my day to day has been pretty mundane….Easter was soooo :/. I’ve been in the same church since I was 3 weeks old and it’s just not giving me what I need anymore. Then after that Easter dinner was interesting to say the least….my old boo was in attendance and it was extremely awkward. EXTREMELY. But on a positive note it showed me how much I have grown as a person which makes me happy. 

I’m talking to this DUB from Kansas City and he seems mad cool….not the typical kind of dude I would kick it with but I’m trying to be like Sanaa Lathan in Something New and give him a try. He is really sweet and attentive but not smothering just like I like. I’m glad I have a little friend I can cake with here lol. 

Well being that my life has boiled down to the most boring life of anyone I know I dont have much to say :/ I’ll be back sooner than later(yet another Drake So Far Gone mixtape referance lol I loooove it)

RLCG

When life gives you lemons…make 15 calorie lemonade!

I have a problem.

 

No it’s not just the soothing sound of the jack hammer right outside of my window.

 

It is currently 1 minute after 8 am and I haven’t slept a wink. I’ve been waaaaaaaaaay to busy eating salt and pepper pop chips(they’re CRACK I’m telling you) and drinking lightly-frozen, 15 calorie lemonade straight out of the carton;all while watching complete seasons of Sex and the City. This is NOT normal. It is Thursday for crying out loud! Since I’ve taken the semester off due to not having enough funds for school(THANK you Dad) I have lived the most unstructured life. First I went though a stage when I thought there was still hope which including contacting 5011 million ppl trying to find money. Second I went though a “woe is me” stage which included staying in bed for days on end and crying my eyes out or calling my ex boyfriend just to hear a voice of comfort(BAD idea….this idiot plan caused more tears to shed). Third I went through the “pretend everything is ok” stage where I acted like everything was just peachy. Sometimes I would even go to campus and sit in on a class just to feel “normal”.

Right now….I don’t know where I am.

To keep it one hunda I’m scared as shit. Today I got a letter on my door stating I had to be out of my campus housing by Friday. Granted, I had been waiting for them to give me the boot sooner or later so it wasn’t a complete shock or anything but just seeing it in real live kinda shook me. I have a dear friend who is letting me crash at her house(she is a SAINT people) until I get it together. Im so grateful I have a place to go but still…they’re is just SO much uncertainty in the air. Its almost hard to breathe. Or maybe the shortness of breath is due to to the fact that I can’t breathe out of my nose. I have been plagued with a cold….RIGHT before I have to sing all weekend in Richmond. This would be my first out of town trip with this choir and I am really bummed…I’m seriously contemplating not going cause I feel so shitty. Also in more random news I have a date on Friday.

YES a date.

Shocking I know! It still sounds weird to say out loud. You see in college, well at least here at Howard, there is no such things as “dates”. It’s either hanging out which can include going to your room or his, and maybe if he’s super interested Starbucks. Otherwise it’s him trying to fuck. Yes,fuck. Sorry but if anyone is going to keep it real it’s gunna be me. It may be some scheme that may include what LOOKS like a date in which he tried to sneakily go about it or sometimes its very forward.And I mean VERY forward. I actually got a text at 4:30 am saying something around the lines of “I’m really drunk(yeah….right you PERFECT super “drunk” texter) so forgive me but I wanna fuck you”. This came from a guy I was actually at one point in time super interested in….so I did something really dumb….

and responded.

Ahh, don’t judge me. I’m sorry I’m a low key sucker for sexy southern men. Nothing happened from it of course and I came to my senses the next day(in which I texted him and told him I was offended) but still the fact that I toyed with it in my mind really fucked with me. And it’s so odd because if he would have came at me different and respectfully he would have TOTALLY had a chance. Idiot. 

So back to my date….I’m not going to spill all of the tea per usual cause I’m not too sure about him but he meets the bare minimum criteria 

1. No kids
2. No immediate red flags
3. Gainfully employed
4. A cell phone(I’m sorry but I am DYING laughing as I type this…this is SOOO bad that I have to make this a requirement but I have had many a brother step to me with NO phone…calling me from they mama and cousins phone…lmao bullshit!)

PLUS he had two bonuses….a car and his own place. YES those are bonuses in Washington DC in this day and age. Anyway we’re going to dinner and a movie Friday night so I well be letting you know how it all goes.

Well I have blabbered enough for one post(although I do admit it was WELL overdue) so….

 

xoxo,

RLCG